Pain // Pleasure

I see a lot of my non-Christian friends live awesome lives. Their futures full of hope, joy and opportunity. I pray that I would be more bold in my pursuit of Christ to be a testimony to them that God has better. Is better. Loves better than we can ever dream or plan on our own. 

It's scary for me to imagine my life without Christ. I mean sure, people do it. But why? What causes you to pull your head off the pillow each morning? Is it your job? Your family? Your pet? I get up at an unlawful hour long before the sun. When that alarm rings at 5:30 I CANNOT snooze it fast enough. But why do I do it? Get up? 

For a brief moment it's just me. Before I check the weather or begin the "what to wear" battle in my head... I lay there and think about them. The kids I'll teach when I'm at work. The people I'll pass when I'm in the car. The friends I know all over this city and this world. Yeah right. All I'm thinking about in that moment is "why did I stay up so late?" But what if it was different. What if I fell out of my bed and onto my knees to give God my first. It would by no means be my best prayer of the day, but it would be a start. 

Does anyone else brush their teeth in the morning for a mere 15 seconds just to say they did? And then at the end of the day do the full 2 minutes to compensate for it? Yeah, me neither. But really. Why is it all backwards? Our perspective has got to shift with EVERYTHING. 

For about a year now an alarm has gone off on my phone every day twice a day. Once at 6pm to remind me to take a video for my memory project and once at 10pm to remind me to pray for my future spouse. I realized last week that while praying for "him" is important, maybe I should shift and start praying for me. Praying that I would be emotionally healthy. Spiritually healthy. Physically healthy for my future husband. That I would be kind, loving, patient, joyful, loyal, and that I would bring peace wherever I go. Of course I'll still pray for him but as I pray for me, I believe my shift in perspective will help deepen my desire to know Christ more. 

I'm not in pain and I'm not living in pleasure but I can be ok with that. 

Green Tomatoes

This morning I went out on my porch to do my devotions. I've created a habit of this since moving into my new house. If I'm home, I start my day with my breakfast and devotions on my porch. 

This past spring I planted 2 tomato plants in two round pots and some herbs in a rectangular pot. I did this so that when I moved I could bring my plants with me. 

Since moving, my plants have been under a lot of stress. They've been revived several times due to under watering and extreme heat. They've been forgotten while I was traveling and the cherry tomato plant even had a branch snapped half off. I decided to keep the broken branch attached and after a few days it self-healed and started producing fruit! In fact, it has as many tomatoes as the rest of the plant that wasn't damaged in the move! 

So anyways, this morning I sat down to do my devotions and I noticed a small green tomato on my Beefsteak plant! All at once I sat there in awe and near tears as God revealed to me the discipline panned out in this plant. Half-dead and under stress, this plant didn't promise fruit. In fact, I had come to terms with the idea that I probably wasn't going to get any tomatoes from that plant this summer since it was so stressed from all the changes (yes that's a real thing for plants). Regardless, I had decided to keep watering it. EVEN IF it never bore fruit, I wasn't going to leave it to die because it is my plant and it matters to me.

 I matter to me. 

There it was right in front of me. The wisdom God has been growing in me for a long time. EVEN IF "it" doesn't happen, keep working as if it will. My plant didn't die because I didn't stop watering it. I was okay with watering a plant that I thought wasn't ever going to give me anything in return and yet it did! It will. 

Sometimes trusting that God is good even if He doesn't give you what you ask for is the hardest part. It was for me. These tomatoes are a reminder to me that God sees me and honors my commitment and my even if mentality. 

Tuesday Thoughts

Today I'm thankful for friends who keep me grounded. Friends like Lauren who I can text when I want to text someone I shouldn't. Isn't the definition of insanity something about doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result? 

This summer I'm doing things differently. While there are so many reminders around me of love lost, there are infinitely more reminders of blessing and provision. Sure I can't drink a Nantucket nectar or swing on a swing without a twinge of loss, I trust that I'll be okay. Summer 2015 and summer 2016 were spent highly invested in a whirlwind summer fling. I isolated myself to limit accountability. I chose to seek out selfish gains and God was not honored through any of it. You only hear what you want to hear right? Good thing this summer I've got accountability. I won't let him into my life or my head again. 

I once took a personality test (for a dating site I'll leave name-less) and learned that I am fiercely protective. Also that I love deep and fast. When I decide I care about someone, I don't hold back and it's dangerous. Someday it will be the most valuable part of my relationship, but in the interim, it's risky. 

Here I am at 10pm on a Tuesday praying for a man I probably haven't met yet. Every day at 10, my calendar reminds me to pray for my future spouse. I pray that he is well. That he feels loves by God. That he is patient in waiting for me as I am impatiently waiting for him. I pray that he will find favor at his job. That he and his family will be well. I pray that he can believe that I love him already. I pray that he fiercely serves God and that God will bring us together. 

Perhaps it sounds odd to you, but marriage matters that much to me. It's worth the prayer time and energy prior to being a wife. Jesus I trust you. 

Date

Today I went on yet another terrible first date. I look forward to the date that I actually look forward to. The one that is exciting because it's with a guy whom I've grown to like and he's finally asked me to dinner. The date where I can have my roommates help me pick out a dress and we can try out different lipsticks. I look forward to the date where I can tell him where I live and he picks me up with flowers in hand. I look forward to the butterflies and the nervous twitch. The sweaty palms and repeat bathroom runs "just in case". I look forward to peeking out the blinds and then running upstairs while I roommate let's him in and I pretend to not have been ready for over an hour. I look forward to that prayer I'll say in my heart as I enjoy a first date for once. I look forward to chemistry and chivalry. 

I look forward to not having to wait to start the next chapter. But, in the waiting I will be my best self. I will keep trusting God. Keep pursuing God. Keep getting better. For me and for him but mostly for Christ. Because Jesus deserves the best version of myself I can muster. 

To the girl who's looking for love like me, don't settle when you're weary. Don't just sit around. Get up. Do life with people. Single friends, married friends all friends. Hang out with them whenever you can and eventually the rest will fall into place. Gods got your back and he's not worried about it. He's confident his plan will work and so am I. 

November 2017

I wrote this post a while ago but I'm just now ready to share it: 

Journaling is a prefect outlet for me. When it comes to saying what I'm thinking, it's hard to verbalized it as well as it sounds in my head. When I write it down, I just let the thoughts spill out like soil from an uprooted plant. The more you shake it, the more dirt goes everywhere and you really start to see what you've been working with and wether it's worth it or not. This time it wasn't worth it. 

Back in July I allowed a former fling to weave its way back into my life. Smoothly spoken empty promises fell on my ears at just the "right" time. At the time, God was making big moves in my life. He had helped me pass not one, but two PA State teacher certification exams. I has just interviewed for and accepted a verbal offer for my dream job: middle school math teacher in the city. God was equipping and preparing me to go on mission for the kids. 

I couldn't see then what I see now. It was all just a distraction. While I don't regret it, I am ashamed that I was so selfish through the whole process. That's not the woman God has created and established me to be. Not at all. I prayed and prayed that the guy wouldn't get the job here in Philly. I knew it wasn't wise to spend time with him and if he moved here it would have been bad news. I knew in my spirit that he needed to go. As I began to distance myself he didn't grasp back. He turned away too. Frustrated, I wrote a quietly lengthy rant, but here is just a piece of it: 

"......You said things were different. You said you've grown. You said you have your priorities straight. So why am I crying at 12am over you? Why do I, yet again, feel used and alone. Why do I carry the shame of letting you into my life again to be taken for granted. Again. I deserve better than this. I like to think you know better than this. You had me fooled into thinking it's different. It's not. You're not. //// But I am. Boy am a different. My desires might not have changed but my priorities have. I need a clear head too. I've got a lot to offer and a lot to loose. And if you can't see that, then I can't be bothered to point it out. God has too beautifully healed and equipped me for me to think less of myself. Because at the end of the day I deserve better. //// Point me to Jesus. That's what I want. A man after Gods heart. A man who is hungry to grow and mature and lead. A man who sees his flaws and loves people anyways. A man who embodies Jesus. A man who is excited for my mission field and prays over me. He who wants Jesus. That's the one I'm praying for......"

I'm so thankful I haven't heard from him. I pray often that I won't. It's too hard to get that kind of attention. 

I don't know what 2017 holds for me, but I take hope in the life God and I are creating together. His journey has far exceeded my expectation so far and I cant even imagine all of the beautiful things that await His plan for me. I hope I can inspire women to view life this way. To see singleness as a path closer to Jesus and free to regret. 

It Took a While

Happy 2017! Usually I kick off my blog within the first week of the year, but this time I just wasn't ready. First I wasn't confident on my word for the year. Then once I realized God had indeed given me a "boring" word, I wasn't sure what it meant or that I liked it. 

I've had some great themes in the past that I have really clung to through the highs and lows of life. I've gone deeper in my faith and really relied on God for my courage through the past few years. As I've walked through the past few weeks, I can see that the year of more isn't at all what I thought it would be. 

At first I was scared that this would be the year that God was going to download a lot of blessings onto me and that I was going to be greedy and unthankful. Yes, those were my true fears. I thought it meant getting more but I've already come to learn that it instead means GIVING more. That this year is going to be a year of sacrifice. As I grieved the reality of this, I took a deep breath and leaned on my deep and courageous faith in God. I remembered that God only gives us things that we can handle with HIS help. This year I'm going to need His help a lot. I already have. 

My prayer for 2017 is that with every struggle I encounter I will be able to reflect back on it in the future and know that I trusted God through it.