November 2017

I wrote this post a while ago but I'm just now ready to share it: 

Journaling is a prefect outlet for me. When it comes to saying what I'm thinking, it's hard to verbalized it as well as it sounds in my head. When I write it down, I just let the thoughts spill out like soil from an uprooted plant. The more you shake it, the more dirt goes everywhere and you really start to see what you've been working with and wether it's worth it or not. This time it wasn't worth it. 

Back in July I allowed a former fling to weave its way back into my life. Smoothly spoken empty promises fell on my ears at just the "right" time. At the time, God was making big moves in my life. He had helped me pass not one, but two PA State teacher certification exams. I has just interviewed for and accepted a verbal offer for my dream job: middle school math teacher in the city. God was equipping and preparing me to go on mission for the kids. 

I couldn't see then what I see now. It was all just a distraction. While I don't regret it, I am ashamed that I was so selfish through the whole process. That's not the woman God has created and established me to be. Not at all. I prayed and prayed that the guy wouldn't get the job here in Philly. I knew it wasn't wise to spend time with him and if he moved here it would have been bad news. I knew in my spirit that he needed to go. As I began to distance myself he didn't grasp back. He turned away too. Frustrated, I wrote a quietly lengthy rant, but here is just a piece of it: 

"......You said things were different. You said you've grown. You said you have your priorities straight. So why am I crying at 12am over you? Why do I, yet again, feel used and alone. Why do I carry the shame of letting you into my life again to be taken for granted. Again. I deserve better than this. I like to think you know better than this. You had me fooled into thinking it's different. It's not. You're not. //// But I am. Boy am a different. My desires might not have changed but my priorities have. I need a clear head too. I've got a lot to offer and a lot to loose. And if you can't see that, then I can't be bothered to point it out. God has too beautifully healed and equipped me for me to think less of myself. Because at the end of the day I deserve better. //// Point me to Jesus. That's what I want. A man after Gods heart. A man who is hungry to grow and mature and lead. A man who sees his flaws and loves people anyways. A man who embodies Jesus. A man who is excited for my mission field and prays over me. He who wants Jesus. That's the one I'm praying for......"

I'm so thankful I haven't heard from him. I pray often that I won't. It's too hard to get that kind of attention. 

I don't know what 2017 holds for me, but I take hope in the life God and I are creating together. His journey has far exceeded my expectation so far and I cant even imagine all of the beautiful things that await His plan for me. I hope I can inspire women to view life this way. To see singleness as a path closer to Jesus and free to regret.